Articles by Dan Shea
Dan Shea lives and works in Southern California. He is a bartender by trade, and has written precious little. Honestly, if you met him on the street, you wouldn’t know him from Adam. If this, or any other, piece has upset and insulted you, he can occasionally be reached at email@example.com.
Your New iPhone and You and the Existential Wasteland of Modern Life: Official Troubleshooting
January 17, 2009
PROBLEM: My iPhone will not will not turn on; the screen is dark and there is no sound. POSSIBLE CAUSES:  Your iPhone’s battery is completely discharged.  Your iPhone is stuck in Locked Mode.  You have somehow glimpsed through the thin construct of modern social existence to the core of Mankind’s indifferent and inconsequential nature and so therefore can no longer discern between moral and immoral, pain and pleasure, or even on and off.
April 27, 2008
MY SOON-TO-BE-EX-COMPUTER SENSES THAT I’VE BEEN SHOPPING AROUND FOR A NEW LAPTOP To: Dan Shea From: Serious Mac Date: 02/14/08 Subject: Why Dan? Dan, This is your trusty desktop computer. You know, the big fat white iMac G4 on your desk (whom you’ve neglected to properly name in the last three years, but that’s another story altogether)? I’ve hacked into your Gmail account (well, is it really hacking when I do it?
Excerpts From the Ship's Log of the 'OSX Tiger IV'
September 23, 2007
Excerpts from the ship’s log of the ‘OSX Tiger IV,’ which as recently discovered by sarcastic deep-sea divers/Mac users. Finder’s Log, 08/20/06 We have finally left port! We have a fine new ship, the OSX Tiger IV, and a stout crew of hardy extensions (all fresh off well earned beta-leave) to man her. As we left the harbor and began to unfurl our untested Intel sails, many souls on deck witnessed a giant Jobsbird feasting on the bloated floating corpse of a Billgull, which is the best omen these salty old captain’s eyes have seen in nigh on twenty years of iSailing!
August 25, 2007
FROM: Koffi Mensah-Maafo (firstname.lastname@example.org) TO: Dear Friend: kZinSky_4_Prez (email@example.com) SUBJECT: Your Urgent need for Money business relationship sir! Dear prospectively partner, This is Honorable lowly Koffi Mensah-Maafo writing for you, being behalf of Very Honorable Mr. Iwo Kepsaan Otoo, the much slain upon Former Minister of Richness of Ghana. Being free now from enemies domestic by Exiling, His Ministerness is wanting interest in property purchase, estate procure-ishment, or and landed space in your country.
Respectable Laughter Only
April 28, 2007
FROM: ME TO: ANYONE WITH AN EMAIL ADDRESS SUBJECT: FWD: ADVICE ON INTERNET HUMOR – (DO NOT FORWARD!!!) > > > Slaving away at a keyboard all week got you down? Do you start to loathe the feel of a mouse in your hand before lunchtime? Do you have trouble reading the prices at Starbucks because they aren’t on a backlit LCD monitor eleven inches from your face? Does The Grind have you so ground that you actually want to open that email from Billy down in Receiving which obviously contains a quadruple-forwarded .
Healthcare in America: Get It or Die!
April 14, 2007
It’s no secret that in this country of wealth and global power we are facing an internal crisis. The crisis I speak of is not poverty, it is not adult illiteracy, it isn’t even that horrible grinding noise I hear when I’m too drunk to work the clutch. No, the crisis I speak of today is one that will eventually decide the fate of every man, woman, and child in the USA.