Your New iPhone and You and the Existential Wasteland of Modern Life: Official Troubleshooting
Dan Shea January 17, 2009 Weekend Wonk
PROBLEM: My iPhone will not will not turn on; the screen is dark and there is no sound.
POSSIBLE CAUSES:  Your iPhone’s battery is completely discharged.  Your iPhone is stuck in Locked Mode.  You have somehow glimpsed through the thin construct of modern social existence to the core of Mankind’s indifferent and inconsequential nature and so therefore can no longer discern between moral and immoral, pain and pleasure, or even on and off.  Your iPhone’s software is out of date.
POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS:  Charge your iPhone’s battery using the included AC power adapter, a DC car charger, or a USB 2.0 computer cable.  Perform a Soft Reset by holding the Home Button while simultaneously pressing the Sleep/Wake Switch for five seconds (see Manual).  Simply accept the Futility of Existing while simultaneously embracing the Absurdity of Trying for the rest of your life (see Camus).  Update your iPhone’s software.
PROBLEM: My iPhone cannot send/receive calls or connect with the internet.
POSSIBLE CAUSES:  Your iPhone is in Airplane Mode.  Your iPhone is outside of service range.  Your existential angst and growing sense of isolation in this overcrowded overstimulated world has led to a total metaphysical break between your Perception and all external Reality.  Your iPhone’s software is out of date.
POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS:  Turn Airplane Mode to “OFF” in the Settings Pane.  Return to any authorized 3G Network area, WiFi hotspot, or Starbucks.  Just use all of your iPhone’s features offline and completely within the context of your own mind, as that is the only Reality that you can really truly believe in anyway.  Update your iPhone’s software.
PROBLEM: My iPhone offers me no hope; there is picture and sound but it does nothing to fill the void that now pervades everything I thought I once believed in, and if anything I feel even more alone now than before purchasing my iPhone.
POSSIBLE CAUSES:  Your iPhone is not the answer.  Your iPhone is a lie.  Your iPhone is still in Airplane Mode.  What if, as Nietszche claimed, God really IS dead? Are we all truly alone despite our infuriatingly close proximity to each other in this tangible world? Where are we all expected to go without that singular purpose that blind faith once gave us? Can Marx’s masses stay together without their opiate, or is the illusion of Society doomed to be shattered into Individualistic shards?
POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS:  Well, it can’t hurt!  Hey hey hey, just hold on there…  Turn Airplane Mode to “OFF” in the Settings Pane.  Seriously, you gotta trust us here: just let go of your Individuality and Sense of Self and update your iPhone’s software already…
PROBLEM: I have a question regarding my AT&T bill and/or Free Will.
POSSIBLE CAUSES:  You clearly didn’t read the fine print in your very binding two year service contract before signing.  You need to change your mailing address and/or contact info.  You jail broke your iPhone and now regret your Conrad-esque journey into the Heart of Darkness.  You are finally ready to give yourself completely to the Church of Jobs– I mean, “purchase the Applecare Protection Plan.”
POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS:  None.  Location is just an illusion.  Once a man has met the Kurtz within himself, he can never really return to society.  Welcome Brother or Sister, we’ve been expecting you! Come, let’s get you ready for the iAfterlife, there isn’t much time…
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